Reasons to Celebrate

A friend of mine just told me she was pregnant. Upon hearing the news, I jumped up and down, clapped, and cried. I am so excited for her. She, however, kind of smiled and teared up, but not in the “I’m so excited” way. I started thinking back to my pregnancy, about the day, and the weeks following, that I found out Logan was on his way.





I did not jump up and down. I did not clap. I cried and I cried. It’s not that I didn’t want a baby. I really wanted a baby! I just wasn’t ready yet. Or so I thought. I wasn’t filled with excitement and joy. I was filled with trepidation and fear. Having those feelings made me also feel guilty, really guilty. I wanted this baby. I was going to have this baby. I wanted to be happy and excited, but I wasn’t. When I told people I was pregnant I would smile and do my best to seem excited, but inside I was already feeling like a terrible mother.
This is how my friend was feeling. As we talked I remembered more and more of my pregnancy. When I was 5 months, I had a break down with my mom. I was not connected to the baby. I wasn’t in love with him. I worried about him and took incredible care of him and myself (other than putting on too much weight), but I didn’t feel what I thought I should feel. I had seen him twice in ultra-sounds. I could feel him swimming inside, but I felt empty.





Of course I had some amazing pregnant times. I loved bath time with my boy. I would lie in my tub with my huge tummy sticking out of the water and do kick counts. Logan was so active in the bath (still is) and I loved the feel of him splashing around inside. I was more worried about my little fish than I was in love. Again, I felt guilty.
It all changed for me the moment they pulled him out.





The moment my husband started repeating over and over “He is so awesome, he is so awesome” I fell in love. I connected and I realized I knew this little guy. He was mine.






This is why when people tell me they are pregnant I jump, cry, and laugh. It is not because of the joy they will have in pregnancy. No, it is for the joy they will experience the moment that babe is set in their arms. It is the experiences that are still 40 some weeks away that I am excited about.






My little fish brought me peace and love from the beginning, but man has it changed now.





He is his own person now. He plays and laughs. He runs and chases. He is so full of free joy without worries or cares. He laughs hysterically because it feels good. He is my joy, but it is a complicated joy. It is so full of love, passion, fear, hope, desire, and a little heart break. It is all going by so quickly. Every day I look forward to the new adventures, the new skill he will debut. Yet, every day I say goodbye to a piece of my “baby”. He no longer wants to hold my hand when he walks and that is my little heart break.








I told my friend all of this and she replied with a smile and a hug. She was relieved and she was able to let go of some guilt. I told her to let people celebrate for her. They know what is to come and believe me, it is worth a party, a huge celebration, because it is the most amazing thing she will ever go through, or at least it has been for me!